Bile Be Back

by Roo on September 19, 2013

in storytelling

Housekeeping: 1) We collectively lost 2,559 lbs in our DietBet, so we’re keeping the momentum rolling with a new one.  You can sign up here.  2) Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day.  I did a guest post over at Melissa & Doug.  3) Also, you guys are really, really funny.

I left a piece of me in Guatemala.  What?  Oh yeah, like a piece of my heart and like, love and my emotions and stuff (truly), but I also mean literally.  I think I left the lining of my stomach there.  Thanks to everyone who suggested a bevy of pharmaceuticals and old wives’ solutions alike to remedy my perpetual motion sickness.  I had hoped that they would all work, since 1) being sick is gross and 2) I was traveling with a lot of people I didn’t know.  No one wants to be the Puke Kid at camp, know what I mean?

One time I was the Girl with the Bloody Nose at the bus stop, and those kinds of labels don’t go away easily.

Anyway, medication was no match for the rough terrain of the hills of Guatemala.  The roads were bananas.  And when you start to get motion sick, the feeling sort of starts in your stomach and rises to your chest, and I was sitting in our van, pushing against my sternum.  So no, I wasn’t being weird at all around my eight colleagues and Guatemalan guides.

“You look sick.  I think you should sit in the front.”  This was a win-win for the gentleman to my left, because now he looks like he’s being a nice guy, but really he just doesn’t want me to vomit on his shoes.  I get it.

They beckon me to move up while the driver is taking the van off some sweet jumps (Napoleon Dynamite reference), so now I’m hip checking everyone as I’m climbing over the seats like an animal.  ”Sorry, so sorry.  I’m sorry.  I like your hair.  Sorry.”  I’m in the front seat, but it’s too late.  I ask the interpreter if he could tell our driver to pull over.

Soy enferma.  Wait, did I say that right?  I’m sick, like about to be ill.  Not sick, like those sociopaths that like skinning squirrels for funsies.

Van stops, door swings open, someone barrel rolls out ahead of me, and I jump out, not before saying OMG OMG NOBODY TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME.  I briskly walk a couple hundred feet and hope I’m hiding behind some shrubs.  It’s beautiful here .  Hilly and lush and green.

Oh, look at that tree.  That is a nice tr— WHARRLBGARGGBL.

guatemalahills

I was too embarrassed to actually vomit (some guy was harvesting corn not fifty yards away).  So I dry-heaved (which sounds awesome), did the walk of shame back to the van, and properly puked later, in the privacy of my own hotel room.

The hills are alive… with like, bile, and maybe some of my DNA.

 

{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? September 19, 2013 at 11:08 am

Ugh, motion sickness is the worst. Even worse when you can’t puke but wish you did.

Nice of you to leave your DNA for later.

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:09 am

I’m a giver.

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Missy G. September 19, 2013 at 11:13 am

This post made me literally laugh out loud.

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:18 am

My favorite thing to hear, Missy. Thanks! :)

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Rachel September 19, 2013 at 11:16 am

I can’t even sit in the passenger seat of my car when my husband drives without getting nauseated. Those winding, bumpy country roads? I’m getting sick just thinking about it…

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:18 am

I am the same way! When Jack drives, I’m all “ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?”

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Britiney September 19, 2013 at 11:21 am

What is it with that? I swear my motion sickness is getting worse. Now not only do I get sick driving up to the ski hill (which I think is pretty typical) but the chair lift makes me sick! AND the motion of skiing!!! And just to make you feel maybe a little bit better, when I was in college I drove up to the same ski hill mentioned above with a guy I work with and his family (wife, kids, etc.) and had to have him pull over on the way down the hill so I could empty my stomach on the side of the road (which was lined with cars as far as I could see – everyone going down – and we were holding up traffic.) I still cringe when I think of that. Glad you’re home safe and sound. Can’t wait to hear more about your trip.

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:34 am

Woof. That sounds awful, Britiney. I need a hard reset on my brain or something.

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Britiney September 19, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Trips like that rock your world. As good and bad as it is to know, you will get back to your normal self eventually. {{Hug}}

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Rebecca | Seven2Seven8 September 19, 2013 at 11:27 am

No stomach is equipped to deal with those roads and the strutless vans they use to transport people. We hired a driver to take us to the Pitons in 2007 (honeymoon trip to St. Lucia), and I very nearly lost my lunch on that jaunt. Ugh. I feel sick just thinking about it.

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:49 am

Totally. “Don’t mind me, you guys, I just have my head between my knees for no reason whatsoever.”

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Jodi T. September 19, 2013 at 11:54 am

Ewww.. Poor Roo. I totally said “WHARRLBGARGGBL” out loud and then began cackling like a crazed person.

My husband gets so motion sick, too. Like I can NEVER drive. One time we took a cruise to Mexico (from TX) and he was sick in bed for the whole first day at sea. He got sick On. A. Cruise. Ship. :-S

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:58 am

I laugh every time I write it.

Oh nooooo your poor husband. :( I feel for him.

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Lesley September 19, 2013 at 2:23 pm

I went on a cruise many years ago in October. October = Hurricane season in the Carribbean. Not smart. Now I know why the trip was cheap. Anyway, that was my first experience with motion sickness. We weren’t in a hurricane but there had been one way out at sea that was causing huge waves. Normally those cruise ships aren’t effected but this trip they were. The crew was even saying they had never experienced this before. Great. The first day I couldn’t eat or drink anything. It got better for me but not for many other passengers. It was so gross. Anytime you went into a public bathroom people were puking. Some made it to the stall, some didn’t. I can still visualize what people had for dinner b/c it was in the sink. Gag!

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Jodi T. September 19, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Oh Lawd, Lesley, that’s not how you want to spend your vacation!

Ours wasn’t that bad, but everytime I went to check on him he was under one more layer of blankets (blanket, sheet, fitted sheet) … I began to think he’d be under the mattress if we didn’t get there soon!

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Mary September 19, 2013 at 11:55 am

Ug, motion sickness is the worst. We were on vacation in Florida this summer and I went deep sea fishing with my husband, father in law, and brother in law. As the only girl I was determined to catch the biggest fish and to not barf. Well, I definitely caught the biggest fish. And I definitely barfed. But in the most lady like manner possible. Pretty sure it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life though. Boo for motion sickness!

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Roo September 19, 2013 at 11:59 am

But you caught the biggest fish!!! :)

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Elizabeth E. September 19, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Ugh, boats are the worst offender for me, in particular gentle ones that bob on the water. I married a man who grew up on the Minnesota lakes. Why is God so cruel? (I kid! But seriously…)
This summer we flew up there and spent a week hanging out at the family lake cabin, which included the dreaded pontoon. I played nice with it, then we proceeded to drive 3 hours and then take 2 flights home. The combination proved to be quite miserable and left me with lingering motion sickness that I didn’t really notice unless I was running or I was trying to go to sleep, when I felt the feeling of falling combined with a gentle sway. Three weeks and a prescription for Meclizine later, I was back in business.
Moral of that? Inner ears and their impairments are the devil’s work. It makes for amusing tales though! :)

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Oh man, this comment is so timely. I still feel off from Guatemala even though I’ve been home from six days. Like the mildest sensation of vertigo. I’ve been thinking about calling my GP.

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Elizabeth E. September 25, 2013 at 7:47 pm

I hope you’re feeling better, or that you called and got a prescription from your PCP! It’s a miserable feeling. :(

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Juliana September 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm

I feel you, girl! I actually know that feeling well. My husband is always embarassed by me when we fly because I’m always like, “Hold up! It’s 30 minutes before the plane is supposed to board! I need my water and Dramamine!” I also get clastrophobic in planes, so that always adds to the nervous stomach.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:49 pm

Especially when sandwiched in the middle seat or something. I feel you, girl.

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Steph Reiner September 19, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Motion sickness is the worst! I had it so bad when I was 6 months preggo flying from Nor Cal to So Cal for a baby shower. The plane hit some turbulence and not only did I feel like everyone was about to see my insides, I started sobbing because I HATE throwing up and you know, pregnancy emotions got the best of me. I’m sure the other passengers were like “Ugh… typical pregnant woman crying and throwing up.”

I’ve started chewing ginger gum on long trips and plane rides… seems to sort of work. Pinterest says turn your head to the side (like touching your ear to your shoulder) to let the fluids drain. That doesn’t work for me but at least I look like an idiot.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:49 pm

Oh noooooo!! That sounds awful, Steph! :’(

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Julie September 19, 2013 at 12:42 pm

best spelling of a barf word ever.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:50 pm

Saying it out loud is the best. :)

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Courtney @ Don't Blink. Just Run. September 19, 2013 at 1:36 pm

Ugh, that sounds rough. Is it wrong that I laughed at this? LOL

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Hahahahaha I laughed writing it.

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Ashley September 19, 2013 at 1:38 pm

I was Bloody Nose on the Bus Girl once in high school. Wearing a white coat. A white, faux-fur trimmed coat. Blood EVERYWHERE. Everyone pointed and laughed at me as they exited the bus. I never road the bus to school again.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:54 pm

Oh nooooo that’s awful! Everyone started a rumor that I got beat up, but it was just one of those freak bloody nose incidents.

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Katie September 19, 2013 at 2:45 pm

I’m the motion sick can’t sit in a porch swing with anyone else kinda girl. It drives everyone crazy. The worst was at the pumpkin patch last year when I was trying to explain to the little that he had to stop swinging. I wasn’t fast enough. My jeans were stuck on a screw or something evil. So I was the lady with ripped pants vomiting into a garbage can 12 feet from the slides. I’m classy like that…

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Oh my word, that sounds awful. Pukers unite, man.

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Sarah F. September 19, 2013 at 3:25 pm

On my honeymoon in Spain, I was so hungover that I puked in a hollowed out tree in their version of Central Park. Nevermind the fact that I tried to do it in the bathroom that was 100 feet away, but was too embarrassed to do so because someone was cleaning in there. No. I decided to do it in a tree trunk.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:57 pm

That’s actually kind of smart, Sarah! :) “Tengo nausea.” I learned that last week. ;)

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Juliet September 20, 2013 at 1:35 pm

I took a trip to Antartica this past January. Totally the trip of a lifetime. Penguins, whales, seals farting 10 feet in front of you…you name it. (that is, if that’s your sort of thing.) But I, who almost never gets motion sick (except that I can’t do rollercoasters at all. But that’s more of a pain in my brain from movement than nausea), was felled by the Drake Passage. Could.not.sit.up without having the urge to hurl for about a solid day, each way. Did hurl on the way back. Don’t be motion sick in a cruise ship bathroom. Just.don’t. Would totally do the trip again, but with the good motion control drugs.

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Roo September 21, 2013 at 3:58 pm

In a cruise ship bathroom, oh maaan. That sounds all sorts of awful.

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Michelle September 22, 2013 at 11:22 am

I am laughing SO HARD. Motion sickness is the annoying little brother that won’t ever leave me alone. A few years ago I flew to California with my parents. We hit some turbulence, and I puked all over myself, my dad who was sitting next to me, and basically the whole airplane. We had a quick connection after that, and I literally ran through the airport with my head inside a barf bag. I puked the whole next flight. We then had to drive an hour to my grandparent’s house, and I had to puke again so my parents pulled over, where I dinosaur heaved a few more times. I looked up when I was done and noticed my parents had unfortunately pulled over next to an outdoor cafe, where I had ruined everyone’s dinner. My family won’t sit next to me on an airplane anymore, and I can’t really blame them.

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